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"And now..."
THE NEO-TESTAMENT
Thus we come to the End of an Era, the final days of the "Covenant", or the "New Deal" between God and the Israelites.
For over 4000 years, His original "Chosen People", that is, the Jews, carelessly squandered God's bountiful Reserves of Grace, spending and wasting His store of Mercy as if it were infinite. They sinned, repented, and back-slid again and again, in a Wages-of-Sin/Price-of-Salvation spiral, all while issuing countless books by minor prophets; printing, as it were, devalued paper, against the long-depleted Patience of the Lord God.
By the year 1 B.C. the jews were morally and spiritually bankrupt.
Clearly, it was time for a New Beginning, time for one Man to accept a Mandate, to get the People back to work, praying hard, saving and being saved, earning Grace the old fashioned way. It was time for a man who would get mankind's spiritual economy back on the Supply Side.
And that Man was Jesus Christ.
The story of Jesus occupies no fewer than four "Gospels" in the old so-called New Testament. Yet not a one of them makes more than a passing reference to the first thirty years of Christ's life!
Why?
Could it be that those who have meddled with and corrupted Holy Scriptures down the years didn't want us to know what kind of kid Christ was, what sort of pupil, what manner of young man? Perhaps it was their wish to keep us in the dark concerning the good old-fashioned Values His parents instilled in Him, and the gratitude He showed them, by Clean Living and a Positive Attitude.
Here, then, is the simple but inspiring story of a young man we all admire very much, and from whom each and every one of us can learn a great deal.
Could we have a very warm, very pious welcome for:
'It's a boy!" squealed Mary excitedly.
Joseph nodded affirmatively.
"It certainly is, Mary," he said contentedly. "There's no doubt about it", he added admiringly.
They kissed carefully.
Things had not been easy for the bright, cheerful, desperately poor young couple. Just nine months before, Joseph, 22, had married Mary, 18. He was a carpenter and she was a virgin. On their wedding night mary told Joseph she was pregnant and that the father was God. Burning doubts filled Joseph's mind, which he easily stifled. But others whispered wicked things about Mary. They spread rumors that she had been engaging in premarital sex. Some even urged her to have a federally funded abortion, which is nothing more than down right murder. Imagine where we'd be today, if Mary had heeded their sinful words!
"Hi!" shouted a rough voice chummily. "We're shepherds!"
"And we're three kings!" boomed foreign voices deeply. "We were guided by the star", one continued in his heavily accented English. Mary looked outside. Over the lowly stable where they had been callously housed by the unfeeling inn-keeper, hung a huge star, suspended in the sky, as bright as day.
"Gee Joe", sighed the young woman blissfully. "Isn't this exciting? I'm so glad I'm the mother of God!" she averred warmly.
"And his wife!" was Joseph's playful retort.
Their visitors, both mighty and humble, seemed to sense there was something special about the baby, for they fell to their knees and began worshipping Him. The three kings had also brought Him presents and some gold. The latter Mary and Joseph refused to accept. Despite their grinding poverty, both Christs were of the opinion that hand-outs only encourage laziness and crime.
The presents, though, were another matter and these they accepted with alacrity. The royal gifts were (a) frankincense, an aromatic gum resin yeilded by trees of the genus Boswellia, and (b) myrrh, which is much the same thing.
Their guests having left. Joseph and mary themselves had to make a hurried departure. King Herod of Judea, where the young couple were staying, had ordered the police to kill all children two-years-old and younger in the land. Thanks to a dream, the happy parents got wind of this and fled to Egypt immediately. Later they returned and settled down in the sleepy little village of nazerath. Joseph and Mary always raised their "son" according to the word of God. For instance, after Mary married God, an angel had visited her and told her that God wanted His boy called Jesus. But when Mary took her new baby to be christened, the priest objected, saying that Jesus was not a Jewish name. (This was when the Christs were still Jews). The priest wanted her to pick a normal Jewish name like Saul, David, or Herman. But Mary insisted. She knew that you don't question the word of God. After all, when the Angel had told her to call her child Jesus, she too had objected.
"But that's a Spanish name", she had quavered faintly.
The Angel's face had clouded with anger.
"So is Angel!" came his thunderous reply.
Poor though they were, the Christ's worked hard. For them lack of money was no excuse for shabbiness and junkfood. So Jesus always had decent clothes, and regular nourishing meals. He grew up a healthy virile young animal, mischievous, clear-eyed, thoughtful, tall, generous, obedient, neat, kind to animals, and athletic. His sturdy physique and rippling well-developed muscles stood Him in good stead in the daily contests of strength and agility between the boys of Nazareth. These competitions arose from high spirits and youthful energy, rather than the desire to see others lose, and Jesus won them constantly. But He would never have dreamed of using His superior strength to take advantage of another boy, or to "show off" or to "beat him to a pulp".
Unless of course, he was forced to.
Judas was the son of a rich money-changer who lived in a large house in the expensive section of Nazareth. He was jealous of Jesus' popularity with the other boys, for the Son of God was a natural leader and His blonde hair picked Him out from among His darker-complexioned fellows. Judas was always taunting Jesus, supporting His opponents in their friendly bouts of wrestling and smiting, and using sarcasm. But Jesus always took the razzing good-naturedly, and employed His ready wit to turn joke back on the sallow youth. This only made the malcontent more envious, and one day He went too far. Jesus had just won a wrestling bout with a clean pin. Laughingly He helped up His burly adversary, who was rubbing his head ruefully.
From the circle of admirers came the sarcastic observation:
"Probably some dirty trick He learned from His 'father'!"
Jesus flushed hotly. His blue eyes glinted hardly.
"Withdraw those words, Judas", He said tightly, for it was Judas who had spoken.
"Why? Everyone knows that your father is just a dirty old carpenter from Egypt! Anyway, he's not your father!"
Even though this was true, Jesus' jaw set grimly. This was no time for wit. (While He cared nothing for Himself, the honor of his poverty-stricken but hardworking parents must be upheld.)
"Those are fighting words, Judas, but I'm giving you one last chance to eat them", gritted the boy through clenched teeth.
"Huh!" was the mocking rejoinder. "A coward as well as a sissy!" added the olive-skinned Judas, referring to Jesus' blond hair.
Sensing trouble the other boys had drawn away. This was what Judas had been waiting for. Without their close scrutiny, he could use low blows, kicks and other unsporting tricks, just the sort of cheating he'd accused Jesus of! Intending to make short work of Jesus, the richer of the two boys, who was also taller and heavier, charged confidently. At the last moment, however, Jesus sidestepped neatly. A punishing left connected with Judas' jaw, followed by a crisp right. Bemused, the bully shook his head, spewing out a veritable hail of broken teeth.
"Now you've nothing to eat those words with", taunted Jesus quietly. "I guess I'll have to force them down your throat!"
Judas swung wildly, Jesus hooked coolly: once, twice, thrice! His opponent's brilliantined head came down. Now was the time for the knock-out...but Jesus held back.
"Just retract your foul words", He urged calmly. "And we'll call it quits."
"OK", muttered the bully through bleeding lips and proffered his hand. Trustingly Jesus grasped it, and suddenly found Himself yanked into a spine-cracking bear-hug. Judas had tricked Him! Jesus had no choice now but to teach the bully a lesson. Reluctantly He jerked His knee into Judas' groin, and, fists whirling, quickly reduced the spoiled youth's face to a bleeding pulp. Judas went down. Much against His will, Jesus ground His heel repeatedly into the miscreant's limp form. Mercifully the pampered boy's ribs cracked easily. The other boys cheered. The richly deserved lesson in respect was over.
Jesus' best friend was his second cousin, John the Baptist. Mr. and Mrs. Baptist had been very old when they had John, and had soon died, leaving him all alone in the world. He lived by himself beside the River Jordan, and eked out a precarious existence, polishing sandals and performing other small services. The good people of Nazareth, including Joseph and Mary, who were his reletives, dod not really approve of John and regarded him as an undesirable. (And it must be said that they had a point, for John was far from a model boy, his appearance alone left much to be desired). Jesus however, knew that fending for oneself can be a great molder of character. He was certain that some day John would achieve greatness, and the two were inseperable.
Boys will be boys, of course, and John and Jesus often got into hot water. Once they decided to run away. They built a raft and sailed off down the River Jordan. They camped and had a fine old time. Soon it grew dark and Jesus began to think about His parents, while John, who had none, didn't. Jesus decided to leave His companion and make His way home. It took a whole day and what should he find going on in Nazareth when he arrived, but his own funeral! Was His face red! As was His backside, for despite His being descended from God, Joseph whupped him soundly.
On another occasion when Jesus stayed away from home, though, Joseph's strap was not in evidence. Jesus went to school in Jerusalem and got excellent grades. This was no surprise for the lad was industrious, hardworking, and keen. Jesus had to walk to Jerusalem every day, for there was no transportation to the school, nor did the Christ's expect any. One night He didn't come home, nor the next, nor the next. Perplexed and worried His "parents" set out to find Him. Imagine their amazement when they got to Jerusalem and there was Jesus, sitting in school, surrounded by His teachers! While they were harboring suspicions of His having run away, their "son" had actually been studying for three straight days and nights! Now their faces were red! Mary went up to Jesus and asked Him what he was doing. Prophetically the Stripling replied:
"Don't you know I must be about my Father's business? And that the business of my Father is business?"
When Jesus said "Father" He meant God, of course. Mary on the other hand, thought He meant Joseph, which was hardly surprising when you consider that she had only met God once, many years before and for a very short while. In any case, her mistake gave her a great idea.
Why not send Jesus to college? Not only would this give Him all the advantages higher education can bring in later life, but He could learn advanced skills and help Joseph in his struggling carpentry business.
Her "husband" and his "son" agreed enthusiastically, and before long Jesus was a familiar sight on the small, bustling campus of Galilee Community College. Knowing the sacrifices Joseph and Mary were making, Jesus studied hard at His minor, Advanced Carpentry, and His major, Business Administration. But the true love of the tall, strapping blonde young Son of God was sports.
As we have seen, Jesus was a natural athlete. But as He had not the advantage of attending a school with an extensive athletic program, He knew little of team sports. He was all thumbs, He fumbled the ball, He misread signals. After the game, His team-mates ignored Him, but the coach approached Him in the locker room.
"Jesus, you wer awful!" said the older man, quietly. "But you've got pluck and spirit. Practice hard, learn the ropes, live clean, and I'll give you another chance."
That night, the youth vowed He would make the team or die trying. He knew that deep within Him, slept the will of an indomitable champion. All that year, without neglecting His studies, He trained furiously. The distractions of smoking, drinking, and consorting with girls were not for Him; every spare moment He could find He kicked, caught, ran, relentlessly hammering His young body into a rock-hard machine of muscle and stamina.
Of course being God, He could have made the team easily if He'd wanted. But using His omnipotence in so sneaky a manner would have seemed to Jesus, perilously close to cheating.
His determination paid off. The following fall, at the very first try-out, Jesus was the sensation of the gridiron. Time and again the pitiless body Of Christ smashed through the defense; time and again the greedy hands of the Son of God pierced the ozone for another impossible catch. By dusk that chilly fall evening, Galilee had a new champion. All through the season, Jesus went from strength to strength. The local scribes took much interest in the new star, chronicling His triumphs with glee. There was only one cloud on the young athlete's horizon, and this was His old rival, Judas.
Judas played on the Galilee team. He had a good turn of speed especially when being chased, but was loath to tackle or be tackled. Naturally he was jealous of Jesus, and this jealousy almost destroyed the team. It was the eve of the big game between Galilee and their arch-enimies, Pharisee U. Strict curfew was ordered for the Galilee squad. But Judas, who had a weakness for drink and women, decided to sneak out to a local tavern and get drunk. He was removed by the police, but not before one of the local scribes had recognized him. Having bought the silence of the officers Judas made his way back to his dorm and fell into a troubled sleep.
The next morning, the local chronicle carried a sarcastic story about "a certain player" and his training methods. The coach called the team together and demanded to know who was responsible. Judas remained silence. The coach had no option but to search every man's locker, and when he did so, several empty bottles were found in Our Hero's locker.
Judas had placed them there earlier to avoid blame for his immoral behavior! Jesus, being God, knew Judas to be the culprit, yet He could not tattle on a team-mate. When the coach tol Him He was benched, His firm young jaw set in a grim line.
The big game was a disaster. Without Jesus, Galilee could not hold back their arch-rivals. Time and again the pitiless Pharisees smashed through the Galilee line; time and again, hungry Pharisees hands plucked the pigskin from the hapless Galileans. Jesus watched disconsolately. He could not believe that Judas would betray the team for his own selfish ends.
It was deep in the fourth quarter. Suddenly Jesus heard a whining voice at His elbow. "Say, killer, how come you're warming the bench?" It was the scribe who had written the sarcastic story.
Jesus would say nothing. Dark suspicion furrowed the scribe's brow. "Does the coach think that you're the one I wrote about?" he cried incredulously.
Still Jesus' jaw clamped shut. The scribe, however, scenting a new and better story, turned to Judas, who was coming off the field after another twenty-yard loss. "Hey handsome," he shrilled, "how's the hangover?"
Judas' face drained chalkily. The coach's eyes narrowed shrewdly.
Judas' deception had finally caught up with him!
"Turn in your jersey, Judas!" clenched the coach between gritted teeth.
"Jesus, get out there, and save us!"
Only a miracle could beat Pharisees now, and that afternoon Jesus performed miracles. Time and again the boulder-like Son of God shashed through waves of Pharisee defenders; time and again, His point-starved palms snatched the leather from Pharisee fingers. With ten seconds to go, Galilee was still four points behind. Jesus sped downfield for one final desperate pass. Four Pharisees covered Him like a second skin. Of course He could have turned them to dust, but that would have been wrong. What he did do was make a super-human effort, jumped as He'd never jumped before!
He leapt! The ball was His! The huge Pharisees tore at His limbs. But the oak-like legs would not be denied the goal-line! He was over! He had scored! He had saved Galilee!
But the manly pleasure Jesus took in His hard-earned victory, was nothing to the inner joy He experienced upon His graduation. The ill-concealed delight of His parents radiated from their shining faces. Now He had the skills to repay their tremendous sacrifices, and within a very short time, the dynamic young man was putting theory into practice.
One fateful day, Jesus was sitting in Joseph's carpentry shop, whittling away at a wooden peg. The peg, when completed, would be used to connect two boards in which Joseph was boring holes. Suddenly the younger man threw down his work.
"Dad!" He exclaimed, "I've got an idea!"
"Fire away 'son'", rejoined his "father" distractedly, still working laboriously on the second hole.
"Meta's harder than wood, right?" demanded Jesus. He hurried on impatiently. "So if we sharpened a small piece of metal we could bang it into the wood, correct?" He continued without waiting for a reply. "And if we banged it through two boards, they'd hold together , wouldn't they?"
He seized two boards from the carpenter's unwilling hands and turned His words to deeds with a nearby hammer. He handed the result to His skeptical onlooker. The two boards seemed to be tightly fastened by the sharpened piece of metal. Would they hold? They did! Try as he could, the grizzled craftsman could not pry them asunder. Jesus had discovered nails!
Nails were the turning point for the Christ family. Thanks to His training, Jesus knew that it was not enough to have a good idea. In order to maximize it's potential, one must promote it aggressively. Nails cut Joseph's production time in half, enabling him to move up delivery schedules and beat out the competition. Orders poured in. In fact there were many more than Joseph could handle. But did Jesus turn down those orders? Of course not! He thought big, He thought expansion. Why not, said Jesus, open a whole chain of carpentry shops, with a reliable image, and exclusive rights to nails, then lease them to independent operators for a fixed monthly fee?
All they needed was a catchy name. Outside his shop, Joseph had erected a sign which read: "J. Christ & 'Son' Carpenters" One evening, he noticed it had been taken down. The next morning, Jesus displayed the new sign. It showed Jesus and Joseph in carpenters' aprons, holding hammers and nails, ready for work. Above their heads was the proud legend:
TWO GUYS FROM NAZARETH
Enterprising carpenters, anxious to get their hands on nails, bought Jesus' idea one hundred percent. Throughout Galilee, "Two Guys From Nazareth" signs mushroomed overnight. Of course, Jesus and Joseph weren't actually working in the shops; in fact they never had to lift a hammer again; but they sold all the nails, recieved the fixed monthly fee, and hired a good lawyer to deal with complaints. In a few short weeks, through initiative, and a razor-sharp business sense, Jesus had both revolutionized carpentry and invented franchising!
With the senior Christs on the road to riches, Jesus could afford to turn His attention to other matters. For some time, the Son of God had had the feeling that there was something missing. At first He thought the answer was girls. At school He had nothing to do with girls, seeing them as a threat to His athletic prowess, His health, and good name. Many of his so-called friends had urged the handsome blonde young giant to date girls, kiss them goodnight and even go further, but fortunately Jesus had been able to resist these tempters, and now at the age of 25 He still felt clean and whole.
No, the answer was not girls. If God wanted His Son to marry and settle down, He would send along Miss Right soon enough. There was no need to "experiment", to "explore relationships", to jeopardize his eternal soul for a few moments of dubious pleasure in a darkened vehicle. Perhaps the answer lay in renewed business activity. He had clearly been given the gift of making money. Should He not put that gift to work for his own and others' benefit?
For several years Jesus threw Himself into work with a vengeance. With excess capital from the Two guys From Nazareth Corp., Jesus made many shrewd investments in such areas as farming, health-care, commodities, and national defense, all of which provided Him with invaluable tools later in life, in communicating with the most responsible and most powerful elements of society. He never of course used His divine gift of foresight to manipulate, say, the stock market, or other speculative ventures, for this would be unethical. He did, however, finance various charities, for example purchasing the inn where He had been born, and setting up a permanent facility for young impoverished couples. Never again would a Son of God have to be born in the filth and noise of a common stable. (He also made sure that the callous innkeeper was dismissed, and used His influence to keep that mean-spirited villian out of work for the rest of his days).
But even this was not enough. At the age of thirty, Jesus still felt empty. What it was He could not tell. And then His old friend, John the Baptist, re-entered the picture. Strolling one day, by the River Jordan, Jesus noticed a small crowd of people standing on the bank. As He drew nearer He saw a familiar figure at their head. Drawing still nearer, He saw that it was His old friend John, and that, one by one, He seemed to be washing the assembled company.
"John!" cried Jesus, running up, "John the Baptist! My old friend, is that YOU?"
John, for it was he, turned slowly toward Jesus. "Yes it is I", affirmed the still young man, "but I am no longer your friend. I have no friend but the Lord. I am born-again brother!"
Born again! Born again in the Lord! Perhaps, thought Jesus, that is what has been missing from my life! Pushing His way to the front of the line, he confronted John.
"I want to be born again. Right now!" He avowed thickly.
And bowing His head, Jesus allowed John to pour water on His head, and the heavens opened, and a hawk descended to hover over Jesus' head, and a great voice said: "This is my blessed Son, enter my world please!"
A great sense of well-being swept over Jesus and He knew He had found the answer. Whole now within and without, a prosperous businessman, a great athlete, pure in mind and body, the tall, blonde, muscular, energetic, considerate, experienced, forceful young man was fianlly ready for the mission chosen for Him from the beginning of time, four thousand and thirty-four years before.
Christ was ON HIS WAY!!
THE WIT AND WISDOM
OF JESUS CHRIST
EVEN the just-plain-funniest of Jesus' jokes always had a point to them...a message, a lesson, a moral, call it what you will.
For instance, He was on tour in Galilee, curing cripples and lepers, when a one-eyed man came unto Him, to be healed.
Jesus politely asked the man to take his place in line, and to pay Judas, who at the time was Secretary of the Treasury.
But the one-eyed man cried out in a loud voice, saying, "Lord, I am poor. Neither have I money, nor scrip nor shoes, nor even a place to lay my head!"
Now, Jesus always considered the doctor-patient relationship to be a sacred one, and maintained that the passing of silver was an essential part of the ritual. He saw that He had a chance to make a point here, and quickly summoned His desciples to gather 'round.
"Behold", He said, "this man cometh unto me with neither gold nor riches, nor any other offering, but only with faith." Then turning to the one-eyed man, He asked of him, "My son, what wouldst thou have me do?"
"Lord", he replied, "I pray that thou wouldst make my one eye like unto the other."
Then Jesus smiled, and looked up to Heaven, and laid His hands upon the head of the one-eyed man.
And lo! he was totally blind.
As you can imagine, the desciples marvelled much at this, but Jesus said unto them, "What didst thou expect? For verily, in this world, thou gettest whatsoever thou payest for."
A VOICE IN THE WILDERNESS
JESUS personally had a great love for the wilderness, and would sometimes wander off by Himself for forty days and forty nights of peace and quiet in the desert.
Many of his apostles were dedicated fishermen. Avid huntsmen as well, they often went together on expeditions into the Judean hills, after the fabled black sheep there.
But Jesus had no patience with conservation extremists, those 'eco-nut' types who opposed clear-cutting the Cedars of Lebanon, advocated catch quotas on the Sea of Galilee, lobbied to impose undue regulations on Milk and Honey industry, or were agitating to ban the Balm in Gilead,
One time, when He was addressing a multitude, Jesus noticed that He was being constantly interrupted by a bunch of long-haired kooks, who called themselves "The Friends of the Locust".
Turning to them, Jesus pointed to a nearby meadow, full of blooming flowers, and shut them up for good with this witty quip:
"Behold the lilies of the field; for verily, I say unto you, that they causeth ninety percent of pollution."
YOU CAN TAKE IT WITH YOU
ONCE, a gang of wide-eyed Zealots, pushing a so-called 'reform' issue to extremes, invaded the Temple, and drove out all the money changers working there, calling it "a den of thieves".
Now as Jesus never tired of reminding His followers, the Temple belonged to His family, and would some day be His. So many members of the Media immediately came unto Him, for a hastily convened Scribe's conference, and they started giving Jesus a hard time about the tax-free status of business conducted in the Temple.
"I come not to destroy the law and the profits", Jesus assured them, "but to make sure they work together".
Then, departing from his prepared text, the Resourceful Redeemer ad libbed: "Verily, I say unto you, it is no harder for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven than for a needle to go through the eye of a camel."
WELL, WELL, WELL...
JOHN, who was the youngest and best-looking of all the Apostles, went on to write a popular, if un-authorized biography of the Master. He tells this one:
It seems one time Jesus was passing through a hick town, a real little one-ass place, down in Samaria. Everbody knows better than to drink the water down in Samaria, but this day, Jesus was drier than a withered fig, so He went on over to the local well, a place called Jacob's.
Now, water is pretty scarce in these parts, but here's this native woman, who looks about one half Samaritan, one quarter Nubian and with a little Philistine thrown in, and she's hauling out that water by the bucketful!
Jesus asked her for a drink. But she said there was hardly enough there for her! "What about your husband?" Jesus asks, cool as a Canaanite.
She says she doesn't have a husband.
"Damn right you don't", says Jesus. "You've probably got five of them!"
Well of course the funny thing ism she did have five of them! Her eyes popped out of her head, and right away she gave Jesus a drink, and poured the rest of the water back into the well.
It's another cute story story, but it has a point to it too. There's a big difference between using the well fairly, and living off welfare.
GOOD NEIGHBORS
SPEAKING of Samaritans, Jesus likes to tell a little story about one of them, to show that a man could be moral and upright and do the right thing, no matter what his color or where he came from.
There was this traveling salesman, on his way from Jerusalem to Jericho. And wouldn't you know it, he got mugged. They took his money, and his clothes, and beat the living daylights out of him, and left him laying there about half dead.
Well, first, along comes a clergyman, maybe a priest or something, you know the type. He sees the fellow lying there, and walks right on by.
Next, along comes a lawyer, who's probably so busy thinking about criminal's rights, he walks by too or maybe he just didn't want to get involved.
Then, who should comeby, but a Samaritan. He took a look at that man lying there in the ditch, all naked and beat up, and by God, even if he was just a Samaritan, he knew what to do.
He lit out after the gang of thieves, and he tracked them down. And when he caught up with them, they were Samaritans too, by the way, he didn't waste any time asking questions.
One by one, he killed them. Slow, so they would have time to think about it.
Which just goes to show you that Samaritans are hardest on their own.
ON SPANKING
"LET the little children suffer, who come unto me."
ON CHURCH AND STATE
"WHAT God has joined together, let no man put asunder."
ON A SOUND ENERGY POLICY
JESUS didn't go in for 'off color' stories, unless they made a good point. Here's a 'spicey one' He came up with at the Last Smoker.
It seems there were ten virgins, waiting for this bridegroom to come home. Now five of them were wise virgins, who used domestic oil in their lamps, but the other five were foolish, and used imported oil.
Now because of some ruckus overseas, there wasn't any oil for the foolish virgins to use, and they asked the wise virgins if they could borrow some.
"Get it from your Arab friends." said the wise virgins.
So when the bridegroom got home, the foolish virgins were sitting around in the dark.
And in the morning, there were five girls who were still foolish, but no longer virgins, and five virgins who were none the wiser!
ON THE AFTERLIFE
JESUS used to like to tell a story about a poor leper, named Lazerus, and a rich man, named Dives. Well, they both die, and go to heaven, and there's St. Peter waiting for them at the Pearly Gates.
Peter says, "Before I let either of you inside, tell me about yourselves."
So Lazerus describes how he caught leprosy by hanging around with lepers, and how he lived on handouts all his life.
Then Dives describes how much money he had, and his investment portfolio, and so forth, and then slips Peter a little something as a token of his esteem.
"I'm sorry". Peter says to Lazerus, "but down you go!" He pulls a lever, and a trap door opens, and bye-bye Lazerus!
"Come on in", he says to Dives. And Dives is just about to go in, when he has a thought. "Hold on a minute, Peter", he says. "Because I'm not going in if you have Roosevelt in there!"
Peter slaps him on the back, and says, "Don't be silly, Roosevelt's downstairs, where he belongs."
Well, Dives goes through the gates, and starts walking around, and the first thing he sees is this old man in a wheel chair, smoking a cigarette in a long holder, with a Scottie dog in his lap!
Dives turns to St. Peter, and says "I thought you said that Roosevelt was downstairs!"
"Don't worry", says Peter. "That's not Roosevelt, that's God! He just thinks he's Roosevelt!
AN AFTER DINNER SPEECH
IN THE MOUNTAINS
ONE time, Jesus saw that there was a great multitude gathered together, and that the multitude was mostly moral, and so He stood up on a mountain side, and addressed them. This is what He said, pretty much verbatim:
Blessed are the truly needy: for they shall have a safety net.
Blessed are they that own much: for thy shall be sheltered.
Blessed are the arms bearers: for they shall inherit the earth.
Blessed are they that thunder and curse on the right, such as us: for they shall get elected.
Blessed are the powerful: for they shall seize power.
Blessed are the prudes at heart: for they shall see sex everywhere.
Blessed are the peace officers: for they shall be called to testify with immunity.
Blessed are they who are appointe unto high positions: for theirs is a piece of the action.
Blessed are you, when the scribes of the press which is liberal revile you, and ridicule you, and publish all manner of evil against you, just because it happeneth to be true: for Heaven's sake.
Rejoice, and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward, and so persecuted were the makers of profits before you.
You have heard of the SALT of the earth. But if the SALT shouldcommence to talk, what then of the cellar? Verily, he looseth his contracts, and is cast out of work, with a huge inventory.
You are to the Right of the world. A city that is set upon a Hill cannot be hid. It crieth out, therefore an adequate defense system.
So if thy right wing offend thee, look to it, and ask thyself, wherein have I sinned? But if thy left wing offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee.
You have heard it said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.
But I say unto you that he who first blindeth, and rendereth toothless the other guy hath little to fear from him.
The Lord's School Prayer
Federally Inspected, Cleared, Aproved
Recommended and Compulsory for use in all Schools,
both Public and Private
ur Father which art in Heaven, Hello and what's Your Name?
By thinking none, we will be dumb
In class, as they are in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, but no lunch,
And Lord, give us no school buses
As we will give no school buses to them that are against us.
And teach us nothing but Creation, But deliver us from evolution,
For Thine is the Republic,
And the Power of Old Glory,
For ever and ever.
Amen.
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