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The Book of
VISIONS
The People Watcheth Smut
1 These are the words of the Lord which came unto his prophet concerning the abominantions of His people, and the dirt of their visions:
2 Woe unto you My people, for you do wallow in visions of iniquity; fornication filleth your heads and your eyeballs are of dung; yea, like the apples of the road are your eyeballs;
3 From morning even unto night ye sit like whores in a whore-house; and Mine enimies, Satan and his gang cometh unto ye like them that come unto whores; and they do enter into your bodies through the eye-sockets and rot your minds with their filth!
4 And the reflection of their lewdness is upon your foreheads, oh whores, and the hot breath of their transmissions is upon your cheeks! Yet that which whores trade for a stiff price, ye givest away for free! Yea, some of ye even pay for visions!
5 Woe unto ye My people. For the air of My land is polluted thereby; and the snowiness of thy bodies is darkened; and Mine enemies do prosper and remain unbombed. I say unto ye, saith the Lord, That unless ye become as blind men to these visions, my curse shall come upon ye!! Worms shall eat thy eyeballs, and My foot shall tread on thy heads and cause thy corrupted brains to ooze from the holes wherein like paste of the tooth!
6 I have revealed a vision unto ye, continueth the Lord. A vision of Heaven; It is regularly scheduled, and each week is it revealed to ye and yet do ye shun it, and it's ratings stinketh;
7 From angelic choirs all clothed in white, do ye turn away, and from mountains of flowers that perish not, and pure women that are without the appeal of sex and from the mighty organ that is in the vault of My Place; from singing and praising Me unto all eternity with joyous hymns and bright instruments do ye turn away, and from sending checks and money orders to My prophet!
8 Woe unto ye my people, that knoweth not a good vision when ye see it!
Concerning Dug-Jiggling
9 Woe unto ye whose visions are of harlots who do cover their dugs with the tops that are called bi-ki'ni; and who at the dropping of a cue do break into a trot or drive over rocky ground, so that their dugs jiggleth! For lo, I made dugs to give suck not jiggle!
10 Jiggling dugs are an abomination in My Sight!
11 I shall cast those dug-jiggling harlots and them who behold them into everlasting fire and their dugs shall be sucked for all eternity! For that they have filled me with wrath, I might even suck them Myself, addeth the Lord.
12 And woe unto them whose visions are of Nubians running around all over the place and being sassy! For though there be good Nubians, yet have I made them to be hewers of wood and drawers of water and shiners of shoe-leather. Respectfulness have I given unto the Nubian and a set of pipes; look ye to My vision and ye shall behold good Nubians. Respectful and neatly clad are they, and singing up a storm!
13 And unto them whose visions include Nubian harlots, woe a thousand fold! For who in My world wanteth to see a pair of Nubian dugs jiggling?
Speaking of Nubians
14 And speaking of Nubians, saith the Lord, Why are ye so taken in thy visions with them as smoketh white powders and injecteth weeds into their bodies? Huh? Such are but garbage on two legs, and shall be compacted and cast into the incinerator of my wrath! Yet when I walk about the earth privily, beholding the visions of My people, weeds and white powders abound therein! Nor is it just Nubians which commit such abominations but Mine own people and the fruits of their loins. And some of these fruits are barely the age of teen!
15 Double woe unto them whose visions show the officers of My Law in a bad light; and double-double woe unto them as show Mine officers clowning and fooling. For these men put their lives on the line for Me each day, and unto them have I given My Law; (Yet to be fair, saith the Lord, some visions have I beheld, concerning the officers of My Law, which are alright in My Sight. It particularly pleaseth Me when some punk rapist consumeth a bellyful of hot lead with no questions asked).
16 But woe unto them with visions of sodomites who do prance and dance, for the buttocks thereof are the seat of sin;
17 And woe to them whose vision doth slant the news from afar, so that it looketh as if Mine enemies are winning; yea, woe unto them who do behold interviews with Mine enemies, for why giveth them the airtime?
18 Seek ye to deceive the Lord God? exclaimeth the Lord in amazement. Are ye crazy! For My Vision is infinite and My Surveillance perpetual!
Them that Have Cable
19 But most of all,woe unto them which do have visions after midnight. For after midnight, when My People ought to be in bed asleep with their hands outside the sheet, then are such abominations beheld, that even the face of the Lord thy God turneth red with shame. Verily I say unto ye, although I created all which is in heaven and earth, yet that which happeneth after midnight was made by Someone Else.
20 What happeneth therein stoppeth the mouth of the Almighty; yet let Me just say, that while I madeth dugs to be sucked and not to jiggle, yet never were they to be sucked by a....
21 I cannot go on, saith the Lord.
22 YEA, DESTRUCTION SHALL RAIN DOWN UPON THEM WITH NOCTURNAL VISIONS! Abominations are they, may their limbs and seed wither! Filthy and foul are the minds of My People, saith the Lord, and their heads are my restroom!
23 Ban ye these visions, thundereth the Lord, boycott them which do send them into your heads; String ye them up who bawleth about freedom of speech and burn ye the sign of My Son (which is to come) upon their lawns! For they are as leper's lips unto Me; like body odor are they in My Nose; unworthy are they to dwell in My Armpit.
24 Yet am I just, goeth on the Lord more quietly, and throwing away His Notes; I understandeth the needs of My People. For lo, they need entertainment at the end of their day's labor; and their wives need something while their men are at labor, to keep their minds from lewdness;
25 Therefore--ye shall have a Vision O My People, from dawn even unto the end of the prime time; and it shall be wholesome, and pure and pleasing to Me and My Prophet; It shall be My Authorized Vision, And it shall go something like this:
The Authorized Vision
7:00 GOOD MORNING ASSYRIA (Cohorts, gleaming in purple and gold descendeth upon the Host!)
9:00 SHIBBOLETH STREET (Counting Sheep. Counting Goats. Telling the difference)
10:00 LET'S MAKE A COVENANT (R)
11:00 THE CHOSEN PEOPLE'S COURT (A custody battle, Solomon presideth)
12:00 ZION'S HOPE (Tamar telleth her brother Absolom what his brother Annon did)
1:00 ALL HIS CHILDREN (Samson thinketh that he's found Miss Right. She's a hair-dresser)
2:30 GIDEON'S ISLAND (R)
3:00 ADAM'S FAMILY (R)
3:30 WIDE WORLD OF SPIRITS (A look back at the Galloping Ghost; a study of the Phantom Double Play; Doctor Dunkenstein performeth several total immersions)
6:00 THAT'S CREDIBLE! (This even, a man who can knock down walls with the blowing of a trumpet; Moses getteth water from a rock; and an interview with one who claimeth to have spent three days inside a whale!)
6:30 HOLY DAYS (His fellow students at Philistine High maketh fun of Ritchie's circumsized member. Fonzie taketh them out back for a bris with a breadknife)
7:00 ALL IN THE HOLY FAMILY (His mother giveth Meathead a big 30th birthday party; but step-dad Joe spoileth the fun by suggesting he get a job)
7:30 THREE'S TRINITY (The maidens of Galilee run for cover when the Holy Ghost hitteth town, and all heaven breaketh loose)
8:00 THE GOD COUPLE (R)
9:00 WAY UPSTAIRS, WAY DOWNSTAIRS (Hijinx in Paradise have infernal repercussions, when Lucifer refuseth to serve)
10:00 LOVE ARK (All those "two-by-two" animals starteth to give Noah ideas. Guest heavenly bodies: Elizabeth Taylor and Orson Welles, as "Mr. and Mrs. Behemoth")
11:00 SABBATH NIGHT LIVE (Guest host: The Lord God of Hosts: Elijah and his performing ravens. Musical guest: The Cleft Stones)
12:00 (midnight) In bed, asleep, with hands outside the sheets. Thus spaketh the Lord unto His prophet
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The Book of
PROVERBIAL WISDOM
SON, I sayeth, son, if thou wouldst get wise and have wisdom, incline thy ear to my words, and keep shut thy mouth;
For all the world honoreth wisdom, but no one liketh a guy which is wise.
If thou hast unto thyself thy health, then hast thou just about everything;
And wealth speaketh in a loud voice, but the dung of the cattle walketh;
But if thou wouldst be accounted truly wise, then eat not in any place that calleth itself Mom's; nor shouldst thou gamble at cards with any man who is a physician;
And whosoever moveth his bowels in the self-same place where he breaketh his bread, is a fool.
Son, wouldst thou be accounted wise? Then get thyself atop the stick, and keep thou eyes upon the ball.
When thou goest unto a a City, and findeth there a Hall, remember thou canst not fight it.
And forget not that a man must eat a thousand cubits of dung before he dieth;
But the wise man remembereth the side upon which his bread is buttered; and knoweth in his heart what is made when two is added unto two;
Be sharp, therefore, even as a tack is sharp, and forget not the law of thy fathers:
When thou hast them by the stones of their loins, the hearts of them will follow thee, and likewise their minds, also.
Go to woman, consider her ways; for thou canst not live without her, and neither canst thou live with her.
Son, I sayeth, son, that is a joke. Why laughest thou not?
Thine own bride shall be faithfull and virtuous, and married in white raiment; but thy neighbor's wife is a horse of a different hue.
For no man misseth a slice from a loaf which has been cut.
The fool sayeth in his heart, She is too old, or she is fat, or otherwise uncomely;
But the wise man knoweth that in the darkness, all cats are of the self-same hue, which is black.
Son, I sayeth, son, am I going too fast for you?
The wise man knoweth which way the wind bloweth, nor pisseth he into it.
When thou risest up in the assemblies to speak, remember the law of thy fathers:
Words are like unto the dung of cattle; and if thou flingest a sufficiency thereof at the side of a barn, doth not a goodly portion stick?
For I went forth and traveled far, and returned, and I saw under the sun that there is born unto us a sucker every minute.
My son, I sayeth, my son, if thou wouldst keep thy cookies gathered together and thy nethermost quarters out of a sling, remember the wisdom of thy father, who hath been around:
Such shekels as are made of wood, take them not.
Whatsoever moveth, that thou shalt salute; but whatever moveth not, paint thou it.
And if the sister of thy mother, which is thy aunt, had stones upon her loins, verily, then wouldst she be thy uncle.
For the fool sayeth in the market place that winning is everthing;
But the wise man knoweth in his heart that winning is the only thing.
Prayer for the Patriarch with Teenage Sons (Gen.28)
Lord, Thou Who seest and understandest all, go figure kids today. Dost Thou, who didst command Thy servant Abraham to slay his son, knowest what I mean? Give me strength, O Lord, this day to do like unto Thy servant isaac did unto his son Esau, and cast him out from my sight; for is my son not likewise hairy? Amen.
Prayer for the Patriarch with Teenage Daughters (Gen.19)
O Lord, Who didst in Thy infinite mercy contrive to save Thy servant Lot not from destruction only, but also his wife; grant that like unto Lot I may drink wine until I am drunken, and be no longer responsible for my actions, and that my teenage daughters may come in unto me, and it won't be my fault, and lie with me, one at a time, without my having hardly any idea what's happening, or better still, lie with me both together, O Lord! Amen.
Prayer for the patriarch of a Business Concern (Gen. 27-35)
Lord, Thou knowest what it's like to run a Big Operation. Grant that I may study the words of Thy Holy Writ, and follow the example of Thy servant Jacob, who didst by craft and guile cut his brother out of the action, and thereafter take from laban his herds and daughters and treasure, by stealth and cunning. Suffer my competition to come unto me to be circumcised, that I may strike a deal with them, and the next day slay them while they are sore and can't walk, even; that my seed may be fruitful and my dividends multiply, forever and ever. Amen.
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