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After the fall of Sodom, Jacob's family and the other descendants of Abraham went to live in the land of Egypt, at the personal invitation of the Pharaoh. But (and perhaps there is a lesson here for all of us today), the Egyptians went back on their word, and tried to turn the Hebrews into Slaves! That was when Moses, acting on an Executive Order from God Himself, led the Exodus, right through the Red Sea!
Then, in the wilderness, at Mount Sinai (yes, my friends, that very same Sinai that the descendants of Moses have been banboozled into handing over to those same double-dealing Egyptians!) God made his Covenant with the Israelites.
Now, just what is a Covenant? Well, in hebrew, the word is "Berith", which means, literally, "a deed". So we could say that this Covenant between God and Moses (who had power of attorney for all Israel) was a deed. The result of a real estate deal, a lease, if you will, by which the Greatest Landlord of Them All, the Landlord God of Hosts, allowed the Israelites to occupy the Promised Land. Naturally, there were terms and conditions of payment and behavior.
This deed, or Covenant, which was written on stone by the flaming finger of God Himself, is, with the exception of the Declaration of Independence, the most important document in the history of the world! And here it is now!
Ladies and gentlemen...
Details below
Terms and Conditions: 1. I am the Lord thy God. thou shalt not make unto thee any graven images, to bow down thyself before them; save and except they be of an Eagle, or a flag, or something similarly patriotic.
2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; but he shall be held guiltless who taketh it to put it upon his currency, and likewise he who sweareth falsely by it in matters of National Security.
3. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it wholly miserable for thyself and thy neighbors.
4. Honor thy father and thy mother; but Medicare is going too far.
5. Thou shalt not kill thy innocent babe in the womb. After it's born, open season.
6. Thou shalt not commit adultery, women especially.
7. Thou shalt steal.
8. Thou shalt declare for business against big labor.
9. Thou shalt not call up thy neighbor's wife.
10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's house; but thou shalt work thy buns off, or better yet cause others to work their buns off for thy sake, and thereby acquire such a house as thy neighbor will covet of thee.
Additional Articles: LIKEWISE, the Chosen People warrent and pledge for the term of this Covenant, themselves, their heirs, seed, distributees, executors, concubines, administrators, kings, judges, successors, and assigns, as follows:
1. That they shall refrain from eating the flesh of such unclean creatures as camels, rabbits, pigs, shrimp, four-legged birds, vultures, and mice;
2. That they shall abstain from such unclean practices as homosexuality, bestiality, incest, and shaving the corners of their beards.
3. That, in the event of leprosy, menstruation, seminal emission, or the discharge (voluntary or involuntary) of phlegm, drool, earwax, toe-jam, dandruff, and all other bodily secretions, including, but not limited to, blood, sweat, and tears; the secreter of same, (hereinafter referred to as The Sinner) shall forthwith immerse him/herself and any object, animate or inanimate, which he/she has either touched or thought about touching, into a tub of boiling water, or at least a very hot shower, and say "I'm sorry."
Rent: IN return for sole and exclusive Divinely ordained occupation of the premises, the Chosen People shall render unto God, at such altar or temple as God may designate, such sacrifices as God may, from time to time, demand; including, but not limited to, burnt offerings in the form of first-born bullocks, suckling lambs, ram's rumps, and plucked turtle doves, and;
One half (½) shekel per Chosen man, woman, and child, per annum, or fifteen percent (15%) of the annual gross income of each and every Chosen man, woman, and child, whichever is greater.
Agency Clause: SUCH due rental payments of both burnt offerings and shekels shall be rendered unto authorized fiscal agents of God, i.e., any minister, elder, presbyter, priest, rabbi, evangelist, parson, pastor, prelate, dean, deacon, or vicar; that is, any clergyman, self- or otherwise ordained.
Ram Jubilee: HERE is a recipe for a burnt offering which Aaron and his sons have always found to be especially acceptable.
1. Thou shalt take one ram (without blemish);
2. Thou shalt slay the ram;
3. Thou shalt cut the ram in pieces, and wash the inwards of him with water;
4. Thou shalt remove from the ram the fat and the rump, the caul above the liver, the 2 kidneys and the fat that is upon them. Thou shalt remove also and set aside the right shoulder;
5. As with every oblation of thy meat offering, shalt thy season it with salt;
6.Thou shalt roast the ram slowly over a shittim wood fire, basting often thereon with a sauce, which is called Leviticus;
7. The sauce Leviticus thou shalt make as follows: with equal parts of the principal spices, pure myrrh, sweet cinnamon, sweet calamus, and cassia, and frankincencse; mingle a fourth part of a hin of beaten oil olive, and a tenth deal of fine wheaten flour;
8. Thou shalt serve this offering with green ears of corn dried by the fire as a dish of side, together with a hin of wine for a drink offering.
In Witness Whereof, God and the Chosen People have respectively signed and sealed this Covenant.
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And now, something for the children...
Click on a link to view the comic's pages.......
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